“Change occurs when one becomes what he is, not when he tries to become what he is not.” (Beisser, 1970)

Tuesday, 30 May 2017


I hate when I don’t understand what I feel. A part of me is wounded deeply and very much depressed, at the same time angry and resentful. Another part blames me, feels guilt and self-loathing. I’m stuck in my life in so many ways. In therapy they say “stuckness” is good, it’s a platform, a field where exploration of feelings can happen, where one can get in touch deep within herself. This is where change happens. So I guess something needs to change in my life. What is it? This confuses me the most.

The wounded part feels she wants to leave, separate from the man closest to me with whom I’ve shared twenty three and a half years of my life. Our physical and emotional intimacy is gone. Was it ever there? Yes it was for many years at the beginning, despite certain toxicity of our relationship. We had some amazing times together, amazing experiences and we were so close… I used to think of him as my soul mate. Did I? 

Somewhere along the way this intimacy became spoilt and even more toxic. It feels like a bubble filled with some fumes or a fish ball full of bad water, leaving only polluted air to breathe, making us more and more ill with each other. We don’t make each other happy anymore; we don’t have fun together, each feeling anxious and uncomfortable. We still talk and try to sort it out but nothing changes, instead we get upset and angry in the process. He apologises all the time but I’m just tired of hearing the appologies because nothing ever changes. Also because it’s not a question of blame or a need for saying "sorry". He is a free human being who can do what he wants and live his life the way he wants. So am I, and that means I can choose not to live in a relationship where I don’t feel happy.

The guilty me says I should be more understanding, accepting, supportive and less judgemental, that I am unfair. I’ve been told that I’m cold and don’t show appreciation, that nothing is good enough for me. I begin to believe it and it sends me down the depths of self-loathing, feelings of failure and hopelessness. I’m open to look at myself and explore whether all that is true but I also have reasons to believe that I’m being manipulated. This is when I want to separate and be alone. I find this state incredibly hard emotionally, it strangles me, I feel claustrophobic… and very very sad. When I was a teenager struggling with my home life, not knowing how to cope with what I was feeling and going through, there had been moments when I wished my parents to die. Those were impulsive thoughts and not meant literally. I didn’t plan to kill my parents. It was a metaphor for wishing the situation I was in to be dead, the emotional pain to stop. It would have been so much easier if my parents didn’t exist than to endure the emotional distress I was fexperiencing. It feels a bit like that now; it would be so much easier if he didn’t exist or maybe if I didn’t exist.

One could ask why don’t we just separate? I immediately think I’m scared of what might happen and what he might do, I’m afraid of his emotional instability. I’m also scared to lose my home and everything I’ve built in my life, regardless how little that is. I have nowhere to go, a lot of debt and  only my two children for family. I’m terrified.

When I was a child my father told me that after many years of marriage no love remains, people stay together out of convenience and because they are used to each other. What a thing to say to your child?! I loathed him for such words! I couldn’t believe he was so bitter and cynical and I pledged that I would never be like that. Now I find myself questioning whether I have ever been in love and whether I know what being in love feels like. What is it like to feel selfless unconditional love?

Tuesday, 18 August 2015

Are You Disappointed?

Last couple of weeks have been filled with disappointment.
Disappointment is like a void, like a feeling I have been robbed of something. The knowledge that it is not going to be the way I would have liked it to be on one hand, coupled with wondering what it could be like if only things happened differently.
Disappointment takes away the energy from life. When I am disappointed in something I am preoccupied with the past, neglecting the present moment. When I am immersed in the fantasy of what could be, what should be or what if, I am not grounded in reality and therefore I open myself up for disappointment.
Expectations are the main cause of disappointment. You can't always get what you want. Therefore is not wanting things a way not to be disappointed?
It’s not about not aiming high or not trying to improve myself. It’s about understanding reality and working with what I can achieve at any given time, in here and now.
Don't expect more than life can give you. Adapt to life as it happens. Don't have a grand plan because if you think about all of the grand plans you had before, did they ever go the way you expected?
Doing your best in this moment means that you care about it. When you are going to bed if you can say that you have done your very best at this or that then there is no need for disappointment. It does not matter if you achieved anything that day, as long as you have done your very best this is a success in itself.

Is that thing you are disappointed about really worth being disappointed about? Does it really give meaning to your life? The meaning of life is not the fulfillment of the expectation but the unexpected.

Thursday, 21 August 2014

People and trees

I really like this text. It says so much about our relationship with others. Can you imagine walking through life as if you walked through the forest? Experiencing people with curiosity rather than expectation, accepting what you see for what it is?
Sometimes I have really tough time with this, especially when it comes to those closest to me. 

Wednesday, 11 June 2014

The Meaning of You

The meaning of life is what YOU make of it.
The meaning of life is not in your past or in your future.
The meaning of life does not come from getting what you want but from appreciating what you get and from all the beautiful imperfections of life.
Only YOU can create it, nobody else can do it for you or tell you what it is.
Sometimes I feel I should have achieved more, acquired more, I should be better, stronger… in another place, with another partner. I get restless. 
I think that I would be happier if something or someone changed or I did things differently. 
It is a fruitless pursuit as I forget that the meaning is “here and now”. 
Now never changes, now is always here, it is now…